I love my kids. I love ALL of my kids. And I love being a parent. 99.9% of the time.
Right now I’m struggling with parenting one of my kids though and I gotta tell you, it SUCKS.
If you’re new here, you probably haven’t gotten a chance to learn what I’m going through, so before you read any further, thinking that this is just one of those “Oh man, I’m losing sleep because my baby is teething” or “My life sucks because I have no babysitter” kind of blog, go to this post and catch up:
I am torn today between feeling as if I have every right to be disgusted and feeling very selfish FOR being disgusted.
When your kid is your abuser, you have so many conflicting emotions that you simply have no idea what to do with yourself. Or, at least, that’s how it has left me.
On one hand, I really want him to get the help that he needs and I am doing everything I possibly can to make that happen. I have spent countless hours on the phone, leaving voice mail messages to agencies that refuse to call me back. I have made numerous trips to appointments that have lasted from 5 minutes to all damned day. I have sat and listened to the accusations that have been made by my son about me and had to defend myself continuously for things that he makes up so as not to look like the bad guy..
That he is.
I have had to prove what kind of person I am and that my children are all fed, housed and clean. My younger children have had to be interrogated. And now I hear that I am a raging alcoholic, to top it all off.
And all of this because I WAS ATTACKED?!?!?!
It’s 2015 and you would think that ‘victim blaming’ would be a thing of the past. But, it’s not.
The story is all there in black and white in the police reports. My son was not arrested for NOTHING. And so why am I always having to hear how I have to do this, do that, help HIM or I will be punished?
Why is everyone coddling him and not telling him that what he did and what he still continues to do is WRONG?
Why is everyone so worried about hurting his feelings when they should be setting him straight??
And now the selfish part…
And why does no one give even ONE FUCK about the person who he hurt?
If I had been assaulted by anyone else but my own son.. things would be different. Yeah, I would probably STILL be blamed for it in some way, but I wouldn’t have to be forced to care for them anymore.
I wouldn’t be required to go to all their appointments, make appointments for them, supply and make special trips to drop off their clothes, hygiene items, etc. I wouldn’t have to sign all their paperwork or show up at court dates that THEY don’t even have to go to because they might miss school while it’s PERFECTLY OKAY for ME to miss hours of work time.
I wouldn’t be required by law to do everything for them.. while they are required to take NO responsibility for their actions. And I wouldn’t have to suffer the nasty, mean, abusive emails that I get from him, either.
But, because it WAS my son…
I have to just ‘take it’. I have to accept his rotten, mean communications and accusations while I am told just to ‘ignore them’. I am responsible for his every need, regardless of how he continues to treat me. And THIS is why being a parent SUCKS right now. Worse than a prostituting piranha.
But, there ARE three things that I try to keep in mind as I’m going through all this shit… And they’re probably the only reason I haven’t completely lost my mind yet..
1.) I’m Not Alone. – Even though situations like mine are ‘different’, I know that somewhere out there, some other mom is going through this same kind of turmoil. And even though we don’t know each other, I pray for God to give us strength each and every day. I hope someday that she finds her way to my blog and realizes that SHE is not alone either and that I’ve kept her in my heart since day 1.
Maybe you are having a sucky parenting moment right now. Hopefully it isn’t as drastic as mine, but you know, parenting can be tough regardless. If so, remember that you aren’t alone either. Just because some people don’t admit that they have a hard time with their kids or their feelings, it doesn’t mean that someone else isn’t experiencing exactly what you are right now.
2.) There Will Be An End To This. – The going-through is always the hardest part. Just like every other situation in life, there will be an end eventually. I pray that mine will be a reunion with my son. One that is based on mutual love and respect. I don’t expect that to happen quickly, but that’s what I am praying for. In the meantime, I have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. So, that’s what I’ll do.
3.) Hopefully, My Story Will Help Someone Else. – I debated and struggled with sharing my story. I felt a need to protect my son by keeping this silent, and yet I also felt the need to bring light to a very ignored aspect of Domestic Violence. The way that situations where a child abuses a parent are handled are NOT ok. The lack of help and the lack of support and resources for the parents are NOT ok. Somehow this must be changed. I don’t know how, but it does need to change.
If anyone reading this has any suggestions on how to make this happen, I’d love to hear from you, because I am lost.
Oh, and one more thing that I need to keep reminding myself when parenting SUCKS…
It’s OK For Me To Love Myself, Too. – This being torn with feeling that I’m being selfish… it’s a rough one in my situation. Doing the right thing is hurting me in so many ways – mentally, physically, financially…. But, not doing the right thing would hurt me even more. In order for me to love myself, I HAVE to be the best mom that I can be, and if that means that for right now I suffer … so be it. However, I will still take care of ME in every way possible, with or without help from all the agencies that say they are there for the ‘victim’.
I’m really tired.. in every single way that you CAN be tired. But, I still have at least 2 more days of appointments and trips and screenings that I HAVE to show up for this week. So, I’ll keep going.
For me. For my son. For my entire family.
Because there HAS to be a way through this that leads to a reconciled outcome..
~ Carrie A Medford
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